i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Randomize
