so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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