wanna go halves on a baby?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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