Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
