i already hear my dad disowning me
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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