I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
