I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
