I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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