and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
