Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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