Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
