did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
