So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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