I want to make a zoo with you.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
