Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
