Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
zippers are such a cool invention
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
