Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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