I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
