Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You pole danced in your parka.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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