Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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