did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Congratulations! We have a period
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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