Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
