you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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