Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
