I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me