I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
