hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
