so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
