my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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