I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
