I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
