Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
