I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
