I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
