I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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