I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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