If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
