Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
