I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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