I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
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He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
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It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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