I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
