so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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