im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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