I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
