roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
