Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
