I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
