There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
