Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
