i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
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