i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
