I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
