i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
