ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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