I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
